This post might be triggery. There is discussion of disordered eating, body positivity, and food tracking. If you might be triggered by those things, you may want to pass on this one. <3
What happens when you’re fat and you hate it? When you see other fat people talking about body positivity and self-love and you resent them? What happens when you can’t – no matter what you try – love yourself? For me it was a self-destructive shame spiral that led to the unhealthiest point of my life, which was exactly one year ago. My body was a prison, getting bigger and bigger while feeling harder and harder to escape. I wore nothing but oversized hoodies if I could get away with it, and thought up a million excuses for the choice. I hid my disordered eating from people. The barrage of social media campaigns spreading body positivity made it easier for me to fake that I was okay with what was happening, but I really, really wasn’t. One year ago I finally hit the breaking point and decided to make some changes.
Here’s the thing that I learned, pretty early: it wasn’t my body’s fault that I didn’t love it. I was taking actions against my body that made it feel unlovable. I couldn’t keep overeating and under-exercising and then look myself in the eye and say “I love you.” I was treating my body TERRIBLY. I was treating myself terribly. That’s what I set out to change. This may not be the same for everyone, I’m sure it isn’t, but all I can do is recount my experiences and hope someone else connects with them.
The first thing I changed was how I ate. Portion control has always been a problem for me. It still is, one year later. It probably always will be. But it does get easier, I swear. I had to force myself to learn to measure portions in multiple different ways until it got easier for me to eyeball, because if you think I’m getting a measuring cup out of the drawer every time I want a bowl of cereal you got another think coming. I also had to research some tricks into fooling my body – cut the meat up so it’s not as noticeable when there’s less of it, saute onions in the drippings from whatever meat you’re cooking because they also soak up the flavor and make you think there’s more meat, add veggies with fiber to noodle or rice dishes, etc. I also had to find some healthier snack and dessert alternatives, because deprivation kicks me into an overeating cycle.
Food tracking is essential for me. Part of my overeating issue is that it’s mindless. Logging what I eat, even if it’s tedious and sometimes thinking about having to do it forever makes me want to bake a pan of brownies and eat them all straight from the pan, is the only way I can train my brain to pay attention. But I struggle with honesty. I use MyFitnessPal, so there’s a level of worrying about judgment from others, but mostly I don’t want to face my own missteps. This past year, I’ve forced myself to log even my biggest fuckups. I still skip some, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying.
Making food fun is also a big part of eating. I love all the weird, gross stuff that restaurants come up with, and will usually want to try them all. To give myself a taste (heh) of that, I set myself a challenge. Since eating healthy often means cooking meals at home, it’s easy to fall into a rut of eating the same old thing over and over again. That repetition has killed me in the past, so to make sure it wasn’t my downfall this time, I decided to make at least four new recipes a week. (Two nights a week I have dinner at my sister’s, so that leaves one night of leftovers or a repeat dish.) I have a very tight budget, so I have to do a lot of research and planning to make this work. Websites that focus on budget-friendly healthy recipes are plentiful. I made a meal plan spreadsheet and try to only grocery shop once a week. I use leftovers from dinner as my lunches for the week and pre-make breakfasts. So far I haven’t gotten bored, I’m eating cleaner than I ever have, and I’m still spending less than my original budget. Not only that, I’m learning about foods and ways of cooking from other cultures.
Not only do I have to eat healthier to make my body feel better, but I have HAVE to drink a ton of water. A lot of physical issues that would keep me in bed and trigger depressive periods or my anxiety can be solved by staying properly hydrated. It’s crazy how different I feel just day to day depending on how much water I’m drinking. I even gave up coffee – GAVE UP COFFEE Y’ALL – because of how badly it effected my hydration levels. I still drink it on occasion, because I love the taste of it even if they habit is broken, but it’s a treat, not a necessity. Again, personal choice, but it’s really significant how much better I feel when I’m not drinking it.
Food was only one part of what I wanted to change, because the number one reason I felt like I was dragging my body along with me is that it couldn’t really do anything for me. Sure, I could walk long distances when I wanted, and I was grateful for that, but it couldn’t do much else. I got tired easily, I strained muscles carrying my groceries up the stairs. It sucked. I’m still struggling with getting strong, but I’m running regularly (started in April and ran my first 5K at the beginning of September, which I’m pretty proud of) and working on getting some core and upper body strength as well. The sense of accomplishment I feel when I run, or when I finish an hour of yoga, or when I can spend an evening doing salsa or merengue and not having sore thighs the next day, is ASTRONOMICAL.
One year after breaking point I can officially say I love my body. It’s not magazine-ideal, it’s not bodybuilder-strong, it’s not even doctor-approved healthy (yet). I’m still overweight, I’m still pretty weak, but I know now what it can accomplish. I know that it can work for me. I don’t feel like I’m dragging it around anymore, like I’m stuck inside of it. It’s mine, I’m living in it, and I’m finally treating it right. Focusing on being healthy and strong instead of skinny is what I needed.
If anyone wants to know more about my meal planning methods or what websites I’ve used for recipes and fitness training, let me know. Or if you want to talk more about anything off-site, you can email me.
Featured image from The Slatcave.